I am going to whine, and vent now. You have been warned.

Today I was having a pretty good day. Got up early, got lots of things done, started unpacking and setting up things, etc. I started to catch up on Livejournal stuff. I saw Jo's post from yesterday. It wasn't a horrible post or anything, but somehow it hit me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday I did a massive chunk of moving, as it was my one day off this week. I rented a mini-van from Rent a Wreck (the East Toronto one, with Dave, by the way, is awesome). But that is all background context information anyhow. The point is, that Jo wrote a post after I left with the final load of stuff that I read this morning. Granted, it was all I could do to look at Jo as I was leaving that day, he had such a look on his face.

Anyhow, reading his post this afternoon pretty well has put me in a horrible funk. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. I had to hop into a cab to make it to work on time, as I was so distracted in my thoughts. Then I realized I'd forgotten my socks and the shorts that I normally wear under my uniform, which would make any sort of bending over entirely scandalous. I was in such a bad mood that the manager for the evening took one look at me during the pre-shift meeting and asked me what was wrong. I just said that I was having a rather bad day, and he told me I could go home if I wanted to. I hugged him and left immediately. Normally I wouldn't do that. I mean hell, I'd just spent $20 on a cab and some socks from the convenience store, and wasted an hour, just to go home with nothing in my pocket at all. However, I was so relieved to go home.

Upon arriving in my hood, I bought some sourdough from the bakery, grabbed a book at the book store, and went to Home Hardware and acquired a tea kettle and a toaster. I need to eat, don't feel much like eating, and someone once told me that the cure for most ailments was tea and toast. I'm willing to give it a shot.

I wish there was a way that I could explain how much I wish that I was not having to walk away from this marriage. Sometimes I wish that I could fix the things about me that make it so that I can't handle being in a committed relationship for the long term. Sometimes the consequences of the way I wish to live my life really catch up with me, and I feel so bad for being the way I am. The problem is, I don't really think that I want to change the things I would need to change in my life, or compromise in the sort of way that I would have to. All the things that make me happy (usually) and give me my sense of uniqueness are the things that cause these problems over time. It doesn't stop me from being horribly sad though sometimes, and feeling really bad.

I guess I should make some toast and do some cleaning. That will make it all better, right?